>Patrick: Ja, und du bist nicht der Einzige!**

This evening, whilst trying to further my own internet wheelings and dealings, Patrick asked me if I could help him with one of those crappy word searches that they give to children in schools when they (the teachers) have run out of inspiration or interest.

Tonight we were searching for german verbs. Not such a hard task because the infinitive form of all german verbs ends in ‘en’. For some reason, I managed to find about 10 words after the resident “german expert” found all that he could. I think that if I could refrain from punching his teacher (Herr Knobend), I might be a good 6. Klässler (sixth grader).

Who knew? Which class would you go back to and warum (why)?

* I hate homework
** Yes, and you’re not the only one!

>
The Poseidon Adventure!!!!!!! I don’t know about you but I am on the lookout for something, anything at tonight to watch on the tellybox. It would appear that the people who sell us our telly programming don’t actually want us to enjoy our Saturday evening at home.

Unfortunately, the residents of Chateau Mac are not really disposed to the typical Saturday funtime activities that may be on offer to adults in 2006. (S0me of them are not actually adults – but don’t tell Patrick). According to a friend of mine and to a apply his comment to my own life, “it’s not all parties and poppers!” Damn straight it isn’t!

Anyway, we’ve decided to introduce the boys to the epic that is an Irwin Allen disaster flick. The thing is that they have already started to watch the Airplane movies so they’ve seen the farcical side of this genre, now we need to show them where it all came from in the first place.

Think of us when you’re dropping your first ‘E’ tonight or stumbling home, evening’s conquest in tow….some of us are watching The Poseidon Adventure.

>A Happy and healthy New Year to both of my readers. I am as pissed as a newt, so this message comes with no guyarantee of spelling or typigraphical excellence. Try saying that when you’rte pisse dand your fingers are the sixe of sausages.

I hoipe you havwe a great 2006. I hope that we do an wish the same for all of you.

xxx

>I can now confirm that Ms. Mac is indeed back in town. Thank fuck for that!!!! Now perhaps the boys may live to see their next birthdays – I say perhaps.

Now Ewan has walked through the front door and life is back to normal. So much for the “getting to know you time”. I’m sure we’ll catch up soon enough.

>Finally, after some time-off with good behaviour I am being paroled today.

That’s right, you heard it hear. I can now officially reveal that the lovely Ms. Mac is coming home today. Yay!

She has finished her exciting mini-break weekend to Australia (Ok it was two weeks but that doesn’t work in the Bridget Jones way) and is now somewhere between Dubai and Zurich.

Would it be revealing too much to say that I’ve missed her? I don’t think so. But then, I’m sure we all have.

>Just a quick one with a link to an hilarious story I found on Yahoo! Seems that some sleazy romantic Frenchman calling himself The Prince of Pleasure, was conducting an online affair with a lovely little French lass called Sweet Juliette. After six months of online raunch they agreed to meet.

A clandestine rendezvous (French derived word – apropos, non?) on a secluded beach, the Prince wandered across the sand to meet his love. She had her back to him and as he neared, she turned to face him and he finally laid eyes on the girl of his dreams – his MOTHER!!!!

What if they were indulging in cybersex too? Ewwwwww!!!! It’s fine to love your Mum, just don’t LOVE your Mum. Not even virtually!!!

Funny story and it made me laugh. How ’bout you?

>Today I was doing my daily chore / duty of taking a trip to the Coop Supermarket to get the luchtime supplies in. On the way through the shortcut, I smelt the unmistakeable smell of diesel fuel burning in a well-tuned engine. This was obviously a mistake because there were no trucks anywhere to be seen. When diesel fuel is burnt correctly, the smell is almost sweet and has a very distinctive “taste”. I actually like the smell because it makes me think of those salad days onboard navy warships steaming through the open ocean.

I was rugged up against the bitter European winter and the smell took me straight back to the quarterdeck of a frigate in the middle of the Indian ocean. I was standing there in my grey coveralls, talking with my shipmates and sucking in the “freshers”*. The ironic part is that the freshers on the quarterdeck was always full of diesel exhaust and cooking smells from the galley ventilation. We loved it nonetheless.

* Freshers is navy slang for fresh air. Almost any word can be “navy-ised” by adding ‘ers’ to it.
e.g. Sippers? Translation: Can I have a sip of your drink?
Steppers. Translation: Civilian clothing (one “steps” acrossthe gangway when going ashore, more often than not, in civilian clothing for a night out.)
Try it yourself – it will make you feel all salty and nautical.

If you want to learn how sailors have spoken since Nelson’s time, check out this RN page.

>With the delightful Ms. Mac currently in the Merry Old Land of Oz, I am watching buku* TV! This means that I am seeing plenty of saturation advertising. Why is it that the Sky channels all synchronise their ads for the same time. Channel hopping is totally pointless. This is a double whammy because I have finally wrested control of the Hopper** from Ms. Mac but I can’t really do anything with it cos it’s always ads!!!

Arrrrgghhh. Whilst channel hopping through endless ads and repeats of Will and Grace, Charmed and The Simpsons (honestly, you’d think they stopped making the show in 1994!!), I stumbled upon the latest Chanel ad. Have you seen it? Here is a memory jogger for you:

What a load of hot cock!!! The last time I saw anything this ridiculous it was that rubbishy Moulin Rouge. Imagine my surprise to be told by the celebrated brain box Ms. Mac that the ad was directed by Baz Luhrman. It just fits doesn’t it?

–Chanel ad brainstorming session.–

Baz: I need to come up with something for the new Chanel campaign.
Assistant 1: Well Baz, you know that our Nic is the new spokeswoman for the brand.
Baz: I kknow, lets rehash that other load of old twaddle that had her in it. What did I call it?
Assistant 2: Ahh Moulin Rouge?
Baz: Yeah, is that guy from Star Wars available???
Assistant 3: Shouldn’t you do something original Baz?
Baz: Nobody else does? Why should I? By the way Assistant 3, your toadying leaves much to be desired. Fetch me a Skinny Soy Lattecino and be quick about it!

–Scene–

Now don’t get me wrong, this woman is very attractive.

But really, that script couldn’t be saved by Gielgud, Hepburn or Fonda. It, and the ad it is part of are utter, utter bollocks!

If there is one of you that buys or switches to Chanel from this, I’d be exceptionally surprised. After all, I have nothing but respect for my reader and would be disappointed if you were moved by this one.

*Buku: Japanese style spelling of French word beacoup indicating muchness or a great quantity.

**Hopper – the device used for channel hopping. Obviously!

Once again this blog is both deprecating, hyper critical, demeaning and informative.

—End transmission—

>What do these people use in the laundry, that they wouldn’t ever use in the office?

The answer is this:
That’s right folks. The people above are the staff of the Microsoft Corp. ca. 1977. Fact is that they wouldn’t be seen dead with this on their desktop but if they are ever in Germany, shopping in WalMart, they will be able to buy Linux detergent to use in the laundry.

Which fragrance do you think it comes with? My bet is the smell of quiet desperation and dried spunk.

What do you reckon Linus Torvalds thinks about the fact that the detergent company are claiming Linux as their registered trademark?*

*I fully realise the irony of me making fun of Micro$oft and their geeketry, as I type this post on a laptop running Ubuntu Linux as the operating system and asking questions about Linus Torvalds and the infringement of Linux’s trademark. So there’s no need to mention it. Ok?

>
It’s official! ms. mac and I are headed to see the Foo Fighters in January. They have announced a date in Winterthur and I am now the proud owner of two tickets to see them.

It is gonna be fuckin’ awesome. I cannot wait and I know that ms. mac is also “quite excited!” She has some girl wood for Dave Grohl (and maybe I do too – so what? Shut up!) so we are just going to have the best time.

It’s not some poxy sit-down show either. Oh no, we are gonna be in the mosh man! It’s standing room only and….as you can see, I am a little bit keen for it to hurry up and happen.

The last time ms. mac and I saw a concert it was Joe Cocker in the State Theatre in Sydney in 1992. A word of advice – if you’re planning on having sex, don’t let anyone tell you that a baby won’t cramp your style – cos it will!

Here’s another pic of the band, just in case you don’t know who I’m talking about (which would basically mean that you are either dead or you suck!).